Hengameh’s Weblog

This is my first day that I am not going to the office. Since morning until now I was studying English. I promised myself a prize and it was using the internet in my breaks. I started to chat with one of my friends and when I saw some real subjects about my job and my situation I went crazy and decided to ignore my friend.

But my friend is one of the best humans that I have ever known. My friend called me and spoke to me although had many jobs to do. Such a kind and nice friend!

I don’t know why I like to hear lie and lie in my life about my abilities, personalities, beauty, education, intelligence and all items in my life.

I think if you think reality and you know yourself completely you won’t expect your friends to pray or lie you.

You know. I am weak. Because all the times when I want to think about my personality and my real situations I run away from myself.

That’s awful.

I am ordinary person whom admired by her parents and her relatives and some friends. Just this!

I must be strong.

I believe that if I want to be successful I should know myself clearly. I should be clear with myself and my situations.

But how can I do this?

I should confess that I am in maximum or minimum levels for all events in my life.

When you meet me I am very happy or very sad. I am not in average level.

I have tried more and more but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t be in average level.

How can I be honest with myself obviously without loosing myself?

This is hard for people like me.

These 2 days are the end days of my work until 3 months later. You don’t know how I am glad for this, on the other hand this is the first time that I don’t work and don’t get salary or wage. You know! I have worked since I was student in the first semester at university until now.
But I had not to hesitate to ask my boss to accept my request. This was not my favorite job; I couldn’t earn satisfied and reasonable money; I couldn’t learn technical subjects; I didn’t have good colleagues and the rules were hard and people couldn’t understand my personality and my major.
To be honest with you they expect a software engineer to know well about “Office”.
I have forgotten all the .Net(C#) that I really liked that in my previous job.
When I changed my job I didn’t know how I will be in trouble.
Any way, all those days passed.
And now I am at office to sign thousand forms and say good bye till 3 months later, and after that I should go here and say good bye forever.
This is amazing. I was facing with the dilemma of weather or not to quit my job.
I think I lost my self confidence in this job.
Although I had enough time to learn English, go swimming, dance classes, aerobic classes and traveling, I lost my chance to learn technical subjects that I really have loved them and of course I have forgotten many of my experiences.
This is ridiculous that I have decided to don’t have job until 3 months later.
But I should confess that I really don’t want to have it.
I just want to be relaxed, calm and think about my life, my future, my job and my wishes.
May be I would do a voluntary job without salary in this period such as helping blind student!

Today I was speaking to one of my friends via the phone for about 1 hour.
I swear X just told 10 sentences; such a chatty girl (me).
We were talking about our life, hope, wishes and of course English language. (You know me)
X is an intelligent person, I really admire and like X and I know X for 11 years.
X started to speak about weird things like child, family, life, mediocre days and can get over these days by have a child and these subjects.
I have known X because X haven’t ever liked this life and this way for living.
I got crazy and started to speak 1 hour without interrupt to prove that this is not you, you are changed but X knew that and just acknowledged.
You know?
I think many of our families and people in our society are guilty because they cause many problems for us just by poking their nose in our life, future, salary, job, etc.
This is not fair.
I know when you read these you may be say: “this is not true.” but I have many friends and they are like me so I believe that many people in my country are living this way and it is my opinion.
Iranian parents teach their children that they should respect friends and the other members in the family even they are wrong.
We don’t think about many things that we are doing but we do without any question, we just do them because we should do. This is our life.
We should visit our families and our friends even we don’t like them or even we have more important job to do.
We should change our favorites and goals because we think if we change our lifestyle, our family will like us more.
We don’t think about that if we are changing lifestyle we will be another person with another life.
We are not ourselves in this way. Such unfair!
We should have secure job after our graduation even the job is bad, because our parents want that.
We should have luxury furniture in our home because they want to see them.
We should get married and not be a single person in this age because our family may be say: “Are you alone until now? Don’t you have good case to marry? How are you living? Why you are single?”
We should have baby when we get married because our parents and our families like that even we don’t have enough money and good situation to have it.
We should send our children to sports, music, new languages courses and they should pass all of them in the best way even if they don’t like them or don’t have talent, because our parents like to speak about them and their abilities in all areas.
I don’t know why they want these? These are really personal subjects and have nothing to do with them.
If I have baby do they help me to send him/her to a good school with high expenses?
Do they help me to bring up my child?
What they want from our life?
Isn’t it enough that my friends and I don’t have good life in this status?
I don’t know why they are insisting about these things!
Are these their concerns?

Yesterday when I was in taxi and was going to home my cell phone rang.
It was my father. I took it.
He started to talk: “Darling, honey, I’ve missed you; why you haven’t called me and many kind words.”
“Listen!” my father said. He enhanced the voice of tape (he was in his car) and I heard the voice of one of my favorite singer.
The song is this:
Hi beautiful girl,
Tonight I will come your home
I stay with you
I’ll kiss your lips
…
When I was child all the time we were listening songs like this in own car when my father and I were going to places and my father and I were singing loud together with singer. Yesterday when he was hearing this song he remembered those days and called me and shared his sense with me.
I don’t know how I can tell about that sense.
But many of those days were like a movie in my head and I could watch them without any player. I could smell all those days.
In some periods my father didn’t have a car but had a motorcycle.
In the evenings he picked me up and went to beach. In the way he was singing those songs loudly for me.
My father’s voice with the wind was synchronized and I liked those more than original songs.
Yesterday about 2 hours I reviewed all those memories.
I had good days when I was child.
I love you my dear father.

These days are the worst days in my life.
But I should be hopeful and try to be better.
About 3 days ago I got my IELTS result:
And this is my result:
Listening: 6.5 Reading: 5.5 Writing: 6.5 Speaking: 6 Overall: 6
I need overall 6, but unfortunately I shouldn’t get below 6 in any skills and my reading is less than 6.
I had thought about all the skills just reading because I thought that reading was not bad but it was.
No way, I should take an exam 2 months later.
I believe that all people can know their real friends in these situations.
Real friends are thinking about you even they are not close to you and have many jobs to do.
They ask you about your result (although by one line of email), they help you to be calm; they can encourage you to be better although your success doesn’t have to do with them.
Thank you my dear friends.
Thank you.
You are the best gift that I have ever had.
I really need you and without you I am nothing.